9 Months Post Partum

I hope you will read this post as if we are having a frank, but heartfelt conversation. I have spent months wrestling with how to write this. I have difficulty doing many things since Blake arrived. The first 6 weeks were really hard. Aren't they always!? Then we learned our wailing, grumpy baby had acid reflux. We got him on some medicine. Things got a lot better. Everything was starting to feel brighter, except for me. Life was in fact, getting harder.

I did not enjoy life as a mom. There, I said it.

I did not recognize that sentiment for what it was until I lay in my living room with my three month old, sobbing in the fetal position and praying my life could end. Not only was I suffering in silence, but I assumed being a new mom was supposed to be this hard; I just wasn't handling the adjustment well. That's what I thought.

I have postpartum depression. For each woman, this disease may take on a different face or manifest in varying ways. Many women I know have not had severe symptoms as I am about to describe, while others experienced much worse. My Postpartum Depression (PPD) symptoms have included anxiety, rage, restlessness, inability to concentrate, apathy, dizziness, insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts and feeling overwhelmed, irrational, worthless, "out of control" and resentment towards Blake, Trent and God. I have felt on edge for so many days in the past 9 months, feeling despair, and mourning my former life as a normal, happy person. I have spent hours on my knees crying, begging, pleading to have the strength to make it through another hour with Blake because my sanity was hanging by a thread. There were days when I wished I could leave this earth. There were days when I longed for the freedom to make that choice. They are feelings that are so heavy, dark and real. The scariest part is that those feelings did not always terrify me. They were a welcome relief and escape. They would haunt my mind and linger until a priesthood blessing could finally free me of the cankering weight that day. I have felt trapped in my own crazy pseudo-reality.

In a word, I have been living in my own private hell. The mind is a wonderful, glorious thing. When physical chemistry is off and the body is sick, this affects the mind in ways I had never before imagined. I would never wish this illness on anyone. I have been unmotivated, stagnant, and almost childlike on some of my worst days. I needed to have someone there to hold my hand and walk me through the motions so that I could make it. I have been so grateful to those along the way who recognized my suffering and loved me all the more. I have never accepted so much help, from perfect strangers even, in my entire life.

You're reading this and thinking, "Now, wait a minute! I've seen Ashley. She gave me a big hug and a smile and we had normal conversation. She cannot be serious!" I am fabulous at putting on a happy face. Plenty of people are, actually. [I served as a full-time missionary, where I perfected that unhealthy adult trait.] Many days I need to put that happy face on to get a semblance of normalcy and control and cheer. It's draining, but I can do it. So if you've seen me any time in the past 9 months, please don't think of me as disingenuous. I have been struggling to reconcile my craziness with the real world around me. This is not uncommon; It's uncomfortable in our society to discuss and share our personal experience with mental illness. You don't want to be labeled a "psychotic", "crazy", "unstable" person. You may as well be a social outcast! And yet, here I am. 

 I have had dozens of people comment on what great joy I must be feeling as a new mom. "Sure, it's hard, but it's all worth it", they say. Well, to be honest, I'm not there yet. I have not and do not yet enjoy it. I do not celebrate my new motherhood. To be perfectly honest, I feel guilty because we do not have any pictures of Blake in our house. Not one. Until I can stand on my own two feet (so to speak) and have restored mental health, I am quite incapable of fully embracing this new life. And it's unfortunate because it has affected my relationship with Trent and with Blake. I love them DEARLY. SO MUCH!!  However, I struggle daily to bond with both of them in a healthy, appreciative, loving, enriching way. I don't say this to be dramatic or for pity. I am being frank because my story needs to be told. I feel the need to share with you how real this disease is.

Upon hearing of my struggle with PPD, one relative said:
"You need to spend more time around other people and get out of the house." So this disease is my fault... I'm just not taking care of myself? Brilliant...

I have had friends tell me that they, too, suffered from PPD:
"Yeah, I had that for about three weeks...and then it went away. It's manageable." As if I one simply waits PPD out and in a few months feel like a new person again. [By the way, what this friend described is likely "baby blues", not PPD, although baby blues are truly awful and jarring to a new mom.  PPD is akin to having a broken leg or any other physical malady; it requires rigorous treatment to properly contain and eradicate it.]

But this response from a close friend scared me:
"I did not realize until well after my second baby that I had experienced postpartum depression since my first child. Anytime I was left with both kids alone, my heart would race and I would have panic attacks and symptoms of depression. I felt that I had no control over my life. I couldn't change it because I was a mom dealing with the growing pains of having two little kids. I just dealt with it."  My friend, like so many other women, suffered in silence because she did not know she had the right to have help! There is no shame in asking for help with anything you feel is bigger than you are. Period. 

I have been to counseling for the past few months and will continue for some time. I have had multiple blood tests to determine which course of action would be the best with my bodies' chemistry. I have been on a strict diet to maintain the best chance possible for having a healthy body to work effectively through this labyrinth of raging hormones, chemical imbalances, and new-mom fatigue. I am doing everything I possibly can within my power. Physically, spiritually, mentally. I am still looking for answers and still hoping and working towards being "myself".

I am open to questions. I am open to hearing your words of encouragement and support. I am open to your concerns. I would love to hear your personal experiences. I know that in keeping this quiet for so long, I have only perpetuated the problem we see with this and many other mental diseases: that it's largely misunderstood and  socially "taboo" to discuss. But please know this has been an incredibly raw, painful and seemingly endless journey. I have not conquered it yet. We have not conquered it, yet. :) I have great medical professionals cheering me on, a network of family and friends, a tender, loving husband and a beautiful little boy who gives me daily glimpses of the pure, unselfish love that exists in this world. I am getting better and slowly seeing improvement. The days are getting lighter and the future less bleak.

I know that I can and will be Ashley again. I can enjoy my new life. I can be whole. I hope you will take this experience and look to the women in your life. Offer support. Tell them how real motherhood is, not just the joyful, fun moments. Tell them of your own struggles. Share with them about postpartum depression. Not to scare them, but to let them know who they can trust if they are unfortunate to experience such a thing. No one should suffer in silence because they are afraid and feel misunderstood or ashamed. We need more love, more acceptance and more understanding for these diseases. We need to hear these stories so we can better love those around us. 



Some of my favorite resources:
5 Damaging Myths About Postpartum Depression
PostPartum Progress 
Postpartum Support International
Like A Broken Vessel, lds.org
In Search Of Understanding, lds.org
Myths about Mental Illness, lds.org

Baby Blake has arrived!

BLAKE LEO BOYER, 7 lbs 12 ounces 19 1/2 inches

Our family of 2 entered the hospital on a cold January evening. 19 hours of labor later (no, that's not a typo!) we became a family of 3.

Showered with love

I have to say that at the time of our last posting, Trent and I were freaking out. I mean, we were excited for this little baby and eagerly anticipating his arrival, but it sunk in how QUICKLY his due date was approaching. And it scared us to death! At that time, we had 1 box of diapers, a bassinet, maybe 4 outfits, a crib without a mattress, a changing table and quite literally nothing else. No bathing stuff, nail clippers, blankets, onesies, pacifiers....NOTHING!

Since then, between paying for secondary applications for medical school and transitioning to a one income home (Trent received a raise that allowed me to quit work), we have been accumulating things that we need here and there. 

Just in the last month, we have been overwhelmed by the generosity of so many people. One afternoon, Trent's friend dropped off two large boxes of baby clothes on our front door. I nearly cried! (Thank you, Erin!) From baby showers we have received a stroller, infant car seat, blankets, clothing, a high chair, bath time stuff, first aid kit, a play mat and DIAPERS!! My sister brought over a baby swing that her neighbor was giving away. Suddenly our very empty nursery is filling up with gifts and things that this little baby needs. We have been showered with gifts and they have all been given in love. We feel very loved. This is something that financially we could not have done for ourselves. 

Thank you to everyone who has helped put our minds at ease as we prepare for this little man. I'm feeling pretty good these days physically. I'm so big, though, that everything takes twice as long to accomplish and some days I get stuck if I sit on the floor for too long :) Restless legs are an every night occurrence now along with a new symptom: carpal tunnel! I don't think the baby has moved head down just yet; I feel his head up in my ribs on a regular basis. He likes to "lounge" at an angle, with his head in my right side. It's his favorite position, but unfortunately, one that makes it hard for me to breathe!

The "Work In Progress" nursery :) 

On a side note, I would like to update you on Trent's medical school progress. He has applied to over 20 schools. Eight schools have requested secondary applications. A secondary application means they are interested in learning more about Trent. The secondary applications contain a separate set of essay questions unique to each school, along with a lovely price tag ($50-$100). The interview process for many schools has already started. They typically interview between mid-October and January. We have our fingers crossed that he will receive some interview invitations in the coming weeks. The bummer is that you pay your way to fly out for an interview, so we will be giving the offers prayerful consideration. This entire process has been very lengthy (since May) and expensive so we really hope to not have to repeat it next year. The schools currently on our radar are located in Virginia, Florida, South Carolina, Illinois, Missouri, Pennsylvania and Arizona. 

I'm pulling for the school in Florida.....Shocker, right???

WEEK 30: T Minus 10 weeks and counting

I've never really been a fan of the "week by week" pictures throughout a pregnancy. So, you won't be seeing any of that on our blog. Sorry!! But I AM a fan of reading what's going on with the baby in the current week of pregnancy.

Every Sunday Trent pulls up the week-by-week calendar and sees what vegetable or fruit the baby has morphed into this week, along with how much he weighs and how long, etc. He gets so excited. It's almost like an advent calendar for him: Every week that goes by, he gets a new surprise and more fun facts to tell people about our little boy.

We have acquired baby furniture and transformed our second bedroom (office) into a nursery. It's still a work in progress, but it's exciting to think this baby will be here soon!

This past week, we celebrated our 4th Anniversary. Looking back, we have been so blessed at all the things we've been able to experience, places we've been and things we have accomplished. We have been blessed to meet wonderful friends and couples along the way. If you're reading this, you are someone who has made an impact on our lives, so THANK YOU!

As an anniversary gift, Trent asked my sister, Kristen, to take some pictures of us. We haven't had "family" pictures since we were married! I've included some of them below. None of them have been edited yet, but I couldn't wait to share some of them!! It was a great day and I think Kristen did a great job! Not to mention, she had two incredibly good looking people to work with....  ;)

I have the most handsome husband.

JULY 2013

We had an awesome July!

I'll cover this post in pictures, since it was a crazy month full of traveling, Trent's birthday, and baby development :)

28th Birthday Dinner, Cafe Trio, Salt Lake City

Trent's Birthday, my first bump picture @ 16 weeks

Beachin' it @ Del Coronado, CA

Boating with the Rahn Family in Fresno, CA

Boating accident in Fresno. We think Trent may have broken his two fingers.
He's a little daredevil when it comes to being pulled behind a speeding boat. 

Trent & Logan in San Diego Gaslamp District

Ghirardelli's

Dad's first attempt at longboarding, STANFORD UNIVERSITY :)

America's Cup Trophy, San Francisco, CA

TWO FIRSTS: Trent surfed and was nabbed by a stingray. What luck!

Trying to dry off and stay warm at Sea World

First Trimester Part 2

Pregnancy: Week 14, day 1 (July 1, 2013)

Last Friday, we met with Dr. Harrison for our first appointment. She came highly recommended by my friend Jackie and I must say, she is awesome. Dr. Harrison searched for the heartbeat, but was having a hard time finding it. Trent and I were a little nervous.

What if there is no heartbeat? What if we aren't really pregnant? 

Then we heard a strange wooshing sound and saw her knowing smile. She went to the hallway and grabbed an older, low-tech ultrasound machine and we actually got to have a look-see! We weren't expecting to see the baby for another couple of weeks, but she was curious to get more information. The baby was much higher than she was expecting. The baby was wiggling and jumping around. It was so strange to think the little ghostly-white jelly bean was inside my stomach!

We had our second ultra sound this morning. Dr. Harrison ordered a "formal" ultrasound be done with a tech to make sure 1) I wasn't further along and 2) that there wasn't another baby (twins) inside! Well, there was only one baby to be found (thankfullly!!) and we actually found out the gender at this stage.

Needless to say, I was totally shocked. Trent was beyond excited. He was giggling and absolutely ecstatic. I really thought that we were having a girl. I was almost sure of it. Poor Trent; I tried so hard to be excited about this shocking news, but it just wouldn't come. I think I almost cried a few times. What am I going to do with a little boy? I don't know anything about boys! 

In truth, it probably took me a whole month to come to terms with having a little boy. For some reason, I just couldn't wrap my mind around it!